God is WRONG
Last week I was having myself a pretty bad day or life so I felt. For the last 7 months, my income has been less than desired. I have prayed and prayed for an answer for almost 1 ½ years. I feel like God just doesn’t even listed to me. I keep getting up every day and working towards my goal to do better but to no avail. I have cried many tears asking him why he wont help me or give me a break. My wonderful boyfriend asked me, last week, how things were going. I didn’t want to be all down so I told him the facts. Within minutes, I was crying by all the things going on in my head. He didn’t help much by telling me I was being negative and that wouldn’t solve the situation. What the hell?!? I was always told that God would never give me more than I can handle. WELLLLLLL, God is sooooo wrong! I have far exceeded what I can handle and there is no hope of change in sight. At this point, I am ready to give up and stay in bed crying all day. Hope, faith and positive thoughts have got me no freaking place.
Last Wednesday rolls around. I drive 3 ½ hours to see my boyfriend. We, of course, have a lovely time. He helped me smile and release the sadness I was feeling from the earlier episode of self-pity. I got back home and took Brandon to his Pokemon tournament. I left the tournament briefly to charge my phone and that is when it happened. My car broke. I couldn’t believe it. I was struggling to stay positive with everything going on. I was trying so hard to keep a smile on my face while I drown in stress and debt. The longer my financial situation continued to be bad, the more things piled up. So, somehow, God felt I could take more and he broke my car. Is he literally trying to see what it takes to make me insane? I couldn’t believe it. But, It just kept getting better. I called Brandon’s school to inform them of the situation. I asked if there was any way to get him on the school bus temporarily or any other options available so I could get him to school. Basically, I was told there are no options and bottom line, I just had to get him there because he didn’t need to miss school. WHAT?!? That is the whole reason I called, to avoid him missing school. I didn’t need her rude ass telling me that. AND, isn’t that what the bus is for? Why cant they fit one small, tiny 13 year old onto a seat for like a week? How is it I keep praying and praying and praying ,and more crap keeps happening with no relief in sight? At this point I am certain God is wrong about what I can handle and I am pissed.
I am pissed that God doesn’t hear me. I am pissed that I keep having faith and it gets me nowhere. I am pissed at my Boyfriend because he didn’t offer to help me. No, I wouldn’t have accepted help but I feel if he loved me he should want to save me. I am pissed because he told me I was being negative. Sometimes, we are allowed to be sad or mad at life’s circumstances. I am mad at the school because I tried to get help and they were rude to me. And, I am pissed that my son whined endlessly about the situation like I planned it. My boyfriend told me, “Remember when you got divorced and left your job? You lost everything and thought things would never get better. But look at things, how great things turned out. Right now things are bad, but it will get better again soon.” When he said that, I wanted so bad to choke the crap out of him. When I try to be positive, he finds it annoying. But, when I have real issues and want to break down, he wants to be positive. Don’t use that positive crap on me. Positive thinking didn’t help me or I would not be in this situation. I have no car, no help and apparently have to walk my son 6 miles round trip, twice a day, to get him to school. Positive thinking was not fixing this shit.
Then I got prayer requests for two children with life threatening medical conditions. And my boyfriend’s words were ringing in my ears. Here I am whining about no money, a broken car, and walking 12 miles per day while some mom was having her heart broken at the thought of losing her child. As I was telling someone my car story, I realized that I was blessed that my car waited until I got home to break. Earlier that day, I had drove 3 ½ hours. Had it broke during my trip, I could have wrecked, I would have been stranded and had no one to get my son. It was a true blessing that it broke when it did and where it did. I was blessed by it happening now so it may still be covered under warranty. I was blessed because I have been trying to lose weight and this just helps me. I was blessed because the walk gives me an extra hour with Brandon every morning to walk and talk.
Slowly, I began to realize that God is NOT wrong. God is NEVER wrong, he doesn’t make mistakes. I have no idea what his purpose is for me going through all this, but I do know he doesn’t make mistakes. I realized that I had no right to be mad at my boyfriend. He didn’t sugar coat things or baby me or run to the rescue. He told me the truth. He told me what I needed to hear. He was right! Being negative and mad wasn’t going to change things. The car was broken and I have to walk. So, I can either cry about it or I can count my blessings and go at it with a smile. He blessed me with the honest truth and that is what I needed more than anything. I can take this opportunity to show my son there is no reason to whine about the situation but rather find the good in it. Every day, every situation, we have two choices: 1 Be negative, whine, cry and be angry or 2 Be happy, positive and count the blessings. Sometimes, when things are going bad, it is hard to count blessings. I am still struggling with it. Everyday this situation continues, with every mile I am having to walk, I just want to cry and give up. BUT, then I remember my boyfriend’s words. Negativity and crying wont change this. I have to walk and deal with this. God does not make a mistake. He has a purpose. It always storms before the rainbow comes. So I choose to embrace this opportunity, count my blessing and use this as a learning experience for how being positive can help us all.
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