Ramblings of a Crazy Woman

I was relaxing last night, pondering the recent events that have occurred to me. I thought upon how I failed miserably when something bad happened. My car broke down and so did I. Your car breaking down for a week doesn’t seem like a very bad event in comparison to others. I mean, there are children starving in the world, people dying of horrible painful deaths, mothers holding their children as the take their last breath, dads crying because they don’t know how they will feed their children tonight, parents praying because they have no job to support their family…. Why is it that I sit and feel sorry for myself over such a small thing?

I got caught up in the bad I felt, that I forgot the good I had. I had been praying for months and months about a financial issue I was having. So when my car broken, I broke to because I felt like that was the last straw, the last thing piled on me that I could handle. I am a super emotional person anyways. I am not proud of it sometimes, but I admit it. I suddenly felt overwhelmed with all the pressure I had been feeling and just lost it. I felt like God was punishing me. Instead of answering my prayers for need in the financial department, he allowed yet another money issue to occur. I just couldn’t take it. I cried and yelled and just felt abandoned.

I admit that now I am thoroughly embarrassed by my behavior. It is true that is ok to get upset and have bad days. BUT, I know better than to behave like this. I focused on the bad. I got over dramatic and yelled at God because he wouldn’t listen to me. When in reality, my situation wasn’t that bad. Granted, I simply wanted someone to rush in on a white horse and save me. But alas, no one did, not even God.

So anyways, back to last night. I started thinking on my horrible behavior and how I gave power to the bad events by focusing on them and how they overwhelmed me and won. I didn’t even want to focus on my blessings. I was so consumed with anger and sadness because this one little thing happened and I refused to find good. I even yelled at my loving man when he tried to tell me to find the positive. That then made me think back to when I started going through my divorce, bankruptcy and job loss 4 years ago. At first, I laid on the couch crying for weeks. I felt sorry for myself then too. I have deduced that I apparently SUCK when it comes to bad events in my life. I fail over and over. Well, at least at first. I also have my little period of crying and screaming this isn’t fair but eventually I pull myself together and decide this isn’t how my story goes.

Maybe bad things happen to us to wake us up. We go through life doing the same things the same way. We get into a routine and take things for granted. Then when some bad stuff happens, we fall apart. We take the same route to work every day. We have our morning routines. We do certain things to get ready for bed. BUT, just maybe, bad things have to happen to us sometimes to cause us enough pressure to wake us up and push us forward; to make us live again. Maybe we miss so many blessing and the beautiful magic in the world because we are stuck and because we take things for granted. Bad things come along and unstick us. Bad things are never fun. Sometimes we don’t think we will make it through. People get divorced, loose jobs, loved ones die…. We think we can’t go on. But then somehow, one day we look up and we find we did survive and move on. Then we look back and see there was a reason for it all. That bad thing can give us a new view on life and sometimes bad things give people second chances at life. So my theory is, Maybe bad things happen to wake us up so we can see life and live, truly live again.

 

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Rambling of a Crazy Woman

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